In a historic move the Coalition governing Australia at a Federal level, meaning the Liberal and National Parties, have combined their forces to come up with a climate plan to ensure that Australia does its fair share of lifting in the fight against catastrophic anthropological climate change.

“It is not a revolution” crowed the Prime Minister “but an evolution”.

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Let’s just cut to the chase here.

The National Party held the Liberal Party to ransom to agree to net zero by 2050. For that privilege our PM can go to COP26 in Glasgow saying we are doing great things. Boris Johnson called Australia’s declaration on net zero “heroic”. Seriously Boris? You jackass.

So what are the National Party getting for that change in stance? Who the fuck knows? Outside the National Party room I would suggest the PM knows and Well Done Angus, the Minister with Energy and Climate Change in his title somewhere, probably knows too. What we have gleaned so far is the Member for Solar Panels Don’t Work In The Dark someone or another Pitt has been elevated to Cabinet. I wouldn’t elevate him to reserve orange peeler as he’d probably not know which end of the knife to hold. And in a faint comedic coincidence Pitt is the Swedish word for Penis. Or is it coincidence? Hmm?

But other than the Member for SPDWITD moving to Cabinet, what else did they get? Or let me put it this way. What else am I as a taxpayer having to pay for? Cue Alan Davies with the “Nobody Knows” sign.

So at a future unspecified cost, the National Party have agreed to a policy of doing LESS THAN WHAT EVERY STATE IN AUSTRALIA IS ALREADY DOING THEMSELVES. Excellent.

And since we have a Plan, we need a shiny new brochure to go with it. It is 129 pages long. I know – I downloaded it from https://www.industry.gov.au/sites/default/files/October%202021/document/australias-long-term-emissions-reduction-plan.pdf and started to read it. But by Page 10 I was literally feeling sick and gave up and waited for the cognisant analysis by people of stronger stomachs than I. And what have those erstwhile people been saying? Here is a really brief summary, expressly for readers of the Point Of Yew.

Nothing changes.

Except for the $20B we are going to spend on technology investment over the next decade to save us from actually having to do anything. And isn’t it lucky that Twiggy Forrest has taken such an interest in Green Hydrogen since $2B is going to Hydrogen. There is also a shitload to go into Soil Carbon (which could be useful if directed properly) and a bunch more into that great working and proven CCS program, that is Carbon Capture and Storage for the young people up the back. The program that has been categorically pronounced dead, ground up into fertiliser with the ashes of whatever is left over scattered at sea. And not just once. By many studies. By many prototype plants, of which exactly none of them worked within their predictions, budgets or basically at all. When you miss your projections by 95% then basically your program is a wash up, pack your bags and don’t the let door smash you in the arse on the way out. Other than that, even after we have used every accounting trick in the book, we still missed the target by 15% and so that is covered under unspecified “technological advances”. So Magic basically. Or Prayer maybe. Our PM loves a miracle.

And don’t forget that their entire policy is based on projections and modelling done to back it all up. Which is NOT BEING RELEASED in case someone pokes a hole in it. Credibility just oozes off this policy. Well, something oozes off it.

And of course it will all be affordable says our PM because the shit you buy at JB Hi-Fi is so much cheaper now than it was 5 years ago. Seriously. He said that. Well ok, he didn’t say shit. I said that. He said something else like stuff or electronics or I don’t fucking know what word he used but shit was appropriate. Go look it up yourself if it means that much to you. Actually I’ll even put it here for you – just entertain yourselves for a moment while I find it…..

I paraphrased a bit but the message is the same. Last time I went into JB Hi Fi the stuff I looked at wasn’t a shitload cheaper than 5 years ago. Ok, TV’s are cheaper if you are not buying the 300 inch curved OLED one that cooks your breakfast and deflects bad weather from your neighbourhood. But headphones are still expensive. XBox’s are too and so are cameras. DVD’s are the same price. Tablets and PC’s have “increased in capability” for sure, but they aren’t cheaper. And I don’t know shit about the coffee machines so no judgement made there. So his JB Hi-Fi metaphor is as useful as his policy. In other words – it too is shit.

So now we can hurtle headlong towards an election with the Coalition screaming “our Green Policy is costing you nothing because we are fabulous. And don’t ask who is supplying that $20B we are handing out to our buddies”. And as soon as Labor or the Greens or anyone else mentions actually doing something they will scream “NEW TAX” at the top of their pitiful voices. And there will be just enough fucking idiots in our population to believe them, and believe the push from a sympathetic conservative media, to vote these useless morons in again.

Their strategy is set and I’m off looking for a bookie who will take my bet on them winning the next Federal Election. They are behind in the polls so I might get some juicy odds now. Please, please, please prove me wrong.